so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
