Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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