Need sex. Gaining weight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
