I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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