She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
