I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
