If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
