she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
