don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This is my gift to your gina
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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