My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
