the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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