I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
