Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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