You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
