U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
