sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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