So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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