my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
