every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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