I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
