RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
