Even the bartender felt bad for me
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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