im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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