Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
