well I can't set my house on fire every night
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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