Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
