seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
