i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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