Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
