Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
