Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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