1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
