Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
