sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
