Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
