Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
