I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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