Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Randomize
