hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
did i walk over a car last night?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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