Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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