fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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