We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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