i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
