I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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