I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
