Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
