The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
