i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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