The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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