She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
