Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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